Tears of a Lone She-Wolf

I cried once when I gave a Dhamma talk… telling my story to a group of University Students of me facing my own fears in the northern forest of Thailand.  But never in this life had I witnessed a 52yr old broken Dhamma Teacher cry her heart out for help right in front of me.

Arriving at grandma’s place, I proceeded into the guest room, I heard her voice talking to my relatives and felt her presence, a few minutes later I could describe it… although her mouth said she was a seriously humbled gamer, she was not.

“Phra Mick is Angie’s son, do you remember him?” my Auntie Dang introduced me to the lady.

“Of course I do, I patted your head since you were so little.” She said using her hand to indicate my height at her waist level.

“Around here I’m known as Monk-104” I cockily replied.

“Ohhh! That was you?” She asked – her brows elevated in surprise.

“Yup!” said me.

To recap… Room 104 was my grandfather’s previous, where he lived before passing away.  Three weeks ago I entered under the watchful eyes of all superstitious Thais, they jotted down the numbers and bought lottery tickets with the last three digits of 104.  A few people won first prize and many more won the secondary and so on.  It had nothing to do with me actually, it was my Aunty Dang who gave me the room key, so if anyone’s a lotto psychic, it’s her.  I became the talk of morning alms-round, where people would whisper to one another “Here comes that 104 Monk! Hurry get his special meals out!” Hahahhaha…….. What an unfair world. I was even assigned a little neighboring assistant boy to help me carry a huge bag on the morning walks because my bowl wouldn’t fit all the foods thrown into it.  When we returned home he’d get the snacks and all the cash to go play video games later. End-recap.

“So you have special powers?  What’s the next lotto number then?” asked the 52yr old widow.

“My only special powers are eating and talking madam.” Replied me, still don’t know her name.

Aunty Dang: “He can do astrology readings and he helps grandma with her kidney problems with his Universal Energy thingy”

PM: “I ain’t that good, I only do character readings and not fortune telling.”

The Lady: “Oh yes you are good.  Do one reading for me.  Come on.”

I sat down, and that was where it all started…

Seeing the animals in her year, month and hour of birth… it became clear to me she had great success in early life, and this life followed a regular degradation cycle.  She was extremely smart, bold, beautiful and popular, a user of artistic vocabularies and astounding curiosity. She liked to pierce into everything and everyone and never left a stone unturned… except into her own inner sanctuary that she ever failed to visit, which meant she hated direct questions of heart, liked to conceal things and hated when found out by others, suffered alone and never told anyone everything.  As she aged, she became extremely demanding and very protective of her ego, she liked to hide behind her super-woman facades and depended on it like the last line of defense.  She’d counsel others with ease… watching them cry their hearts out in front of her, but when it was her turn to express these emotions, she failed to reciprocate.  This in-turn, created mistrusts within friendship and they gradually left her one by one.

I was about to say “an up-side-down cup and ego 5 times the size of Himalayas” but she was already nodding and crying in front of me.  I admitted to her that I did not perform a true reading as such, rather a collection of intuitive experiences I had with people of similar animalistic combinations.

The Lady: I was quite something when I was younger…

PM: And now?  Who are you?

TL: ………. Now I am such a broken person and completely alone (sobbing heavily). I have no one left since my husband died, I live alone and it’s a tortured life.  I have 2 children and 3 grand children and  I can’t get along with any of them.

PM: Why not?

TL: …………. I don’t know.

PM: You’re a supercar, and you do not realize that in this lifetime, others weren’t born like that.  Most are family cars, small cars, some are Tuk Tuks or worse peddling children’s cars, and you don’t accept them for who they are.  You demand them to be someone else they are not, which is like screaming at a Lotus to blossom at midnight.

TL: Sadhu…. (palms closing)

PM: You suffer alone do you not?

TL: ……… Yes

PM: Why?

TL: ……… I don’t know.

PM: Because you don’t let love in to help you.

TL: ……… I guess…. Yes.

PM: Why not?

TL: ………. I don’t know (sobbing).  What can I do?

PM: ……………. (Thinking) …………….. (and walking away).

TL: I’m all on my own, I go out riding on Taxis around town to drive out the anxiety, and when I come home, I’m all alone again!  Tell me what can I do with this life?

PM: (Stopped and turned around). The problem is here (pointing to my heart) and nowhere else.  Open your heart… vulnerability is not a weakness, rather it is strength.  It allows you to receive and let love in without asking.  I don’t possess the cleverness to help you just like that at this point (clicking finger). So you have my sympathy but not my skill, I need to learn how to assist someone like you first.  When I find it… I’ll let you know.