Shaken off the pedestal

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No! This blog headline has nothing to do with how I got banned from the LittleBang congregation due to my inappropriate behaviors and overwhelming cocaine jokes!  Hahahaha.  But keep reading please and enjoy… hopefully you’ll find getting kicked off the pedestal a fun thing too.

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One problem with being a monk in Thailand is the God complex. You become the centre of attention, the object of worship… capable of delivering happiness both real and fake and coupled with the eminences of power and fear at the same time. The high pedestal fixed with golden chair at the top is built for you whether you like it or not. This self-importance, should one become lost in it often manifests dangerous egotistic views, shutting one’s own doors to self discovery and truth, and above all makes it hard to DIE on the meditation cushions.

Death plays an important path of any spiritual practices… For where there is Self, there is Fear of losing self. Where there is Fear there is an Ego projection, to defend the softer being underneath. Where there is fear, there is pride to compare and measure importance of the body, speech and mind.  With pride comes prejudice and judgments. Where fear lives, there is greed and anger. Etc… Etc… Etc… In summary, All of our enemies are in our minds… and death is the counter measure to this simple charades of inner turmoil.

The most frightening person for me… is the proclaimed spiritual practitioner, who so very wise in helping others, but lost when faced with his own dilemmas.  Whose desire for boldness stands above all else, he refuses to be proven wronged and yields to none. The one whose doors leading towards inner-sanctuary shut off, ego shielded with extra façade of hubris protection.  He can’t fix his life problems because he knows nothing at all about himself.  One is not who he is. He never tells the truth. He is always the hero in his own stories… who loves being in control… to have it his ways or the highway and forceful in his defenses.  The ego is the super drive, and he feels that he must have it no matter what.  You guessed it… that person was me.  I was on the worldly up… literally floating, which in mental terminology meant I was descending downhill… eventually gunning for a train wreck. There was no wisdom when thoughts were god.

It took a skilled individual to pull me out of this rut… knowing my style of practice… the absolute darkness may be hell for others, but it is home to me… for there I can see the dimmest light of all lights.  She sent me there, slowly but surely.  Gave me an 8 on the Richter scale quake shaking me off my pedestal and kicked me again for good measure while I was down. I crawled skittishly like a cockroach drunk on DDT, never looked back up.  My pedestal no longer possesses any beauty nor was it safe.  I became very angry at my helper, I hurt her… but before any negative energy got to her, it passed through me first, damaging myself in the process.  My world crumbled, all the lights dimmed then finally went dark.

I took a while to die… I found myself at north-north east of Thailand, right next to Laos’ border, in a small temple near a tiny country village.  A good friend was kind to drive me there and left me with my departure business. Downed to only 3 pieces of robes, an alms bowl, an umbrella with mosquito net, a piece of rope to hang myself with and a telephone to let mom know should I decide to go ahead with this plan… I knew once again I was at the edge.  I fasted… discovering that this 35 yr-old body does not fair as good with fasting as it used to. The edge lifted me gradually… my mind lost all controls and support, my fears truly tested. No comfort, no matters of principals, no right no wrong and death was irrelevant.  I received news of suicide in the family, heard my mother cried, and I cried.  I released whole market of live fish for 3 days into the temple’s pond. I gave my time listening to someone with similar problems as me. I met great new masters who understood me and had sincere compassion for me.  I forgave the one who shook me down the podium of illusion.

Nine days later, I was dead.  The rope was never used… I was grounded. The ego had landed.  The name dissolved, there were no designations I desired nor disliked.  The gates to my inner-monastery reopened and the seeing mind was there functioning. I saw my pretentious nature, my ego personalities and then my dreamer temperaments. I saw my problems, what led me down this rut and the solution… what I needed to do to get out.   I was happy and I laughed whole heartedly.

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My rudder became my wisdom… I killed my engines and erected the sail, letting the winds take me. Thank you to those who helped me through my difficult time. I will never forget you.

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One Response to “Shaken off the pedestal”

  1. Wisdom indeed, PM. I think you have reached another level!

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